The Unskilled Sommelier

For all the wines I've forgotten to mention...

It's not that you were horrible when I spent the night with you. It isn't a matter of your packaging or bouquet or aroma. It's that I'm too busy to take my vitamins in the morning, much less remember to blog about you.

I felt bad and overcome with a sense of guilt because I didn't take a picture or so much as sneeze in reflection. So, I thought I'd write an apology in some sort of formal way to my vast array of bloggers.

And now I have. So there!

|Totally over it now...onto the next bottle.

A Wine Drought in Heidi County.

| at 3:05 PM

Why is it that the busiest times of our lives make us forget the things that calm and relax us? It seems counterproductive to me that just now, nearly three months after a huge undertaking at work, I'm remembering that I love wine. That I love to blog. That I have a BLOG ABOUT WINE.

Sorry, imaginary readers. And sorry Heidi. I know how much you could have used a glass of wine lately.

That's right! I have had NO WINE in months. Not one sip! This is a tragedy I feel best observed with a moment of silence.

Oh yeah, I live alone. Unless I'm practicing my Whitney Houston impersonation, it's always pretty silent here. Anyway, WHAT THE HECK PEOPLE! Why do we do this to ourselves??? I hereby declare the 2:1 crap:cool ratio rule. That's right! I'm giving you permission to reward yourself, just for being you.

2:1 huh. That means I'm owed about 50 bottles of wine. Someone take my keys.

Ucky Ducky

| at 12:23 PM

This entry will be brief and painful. I stumbled onto my first really, really, REALLY bad wine experience. I think I might have been as disappointed as I was because the bottle was unique. It was the third bottle I purchased the first night of this wine journey, and I had been saving it for a special occasion.

That special occasion ended up being a crappy Tuesday night full of rain and residual stress from the work day. What better pick me up than an entire bottle of wine? That's common sense, in my opinion.

The culprit was a bottle of Lucky Duck Shiraz wine from Walmart.

Seems innocent enough, right? I liked that the duck was upside down on the bottle, that the price was great, and it was from Australia which I thought was unique. It was also a Shiraz, which is the most heavily produced type of wine in Australia. I figured it would be a win, just like the Beringer from a few weeks past.

Boy, oh boy, was I wrong.

Shiraz is another name for the Syrrah grape, which is a red grape that's deeply impacted by the climate in which it is grown. That means that you can drink 10 different Shiraz wines and experience 10 different flavors. They are typically spicy, with a rich plum or blackberry flavor, but sometimes you get a hint of coffee or licorice...I actually had one from the World Market that tasted a bit like chocolate. They can be very dry or smooth, and are always exotic. Australian Shiraz wines tend to be fruitier, pairing well with a red meat.

Let me tell you what they don't pair well with. Heidi on her red couch.

It tasted like rancid cranberry juice. My mouth puckered, and I could not get the taste out of the roof of my mouth. Determined, I took just a sip, then a gulp - hoping that different amounts of wine in my mouth would change up which taste buds were being hit and make the flavor a little more agreeable. Survey says: Nope.

I tried it cold. I tried it at room temperature. I tried it with a mouthful of strawberry-flavored marshmallows. You cannot make this wine taste good. Do not. PLEASE do not drink this wine.

One notable feature about this wine is that it haunts you. Some might call this a good thing, but it seriously bothered me. I sneezed the next day and tasted it. And only one cup (if that) later, and I was so drunk I slept like a spasm-gripped epileptic. This was my bed the next day.

I truly think the people of Australia are laughing at us. The label exclaimed: Lucky You!

Yeah. Lucky me. This luck isn't going to be a lady if she ever meets an Australian wine maker. Or a duck with an australian accent. Or a man holding a wine glass who says the words "down" or "under". I'll find a way to get them, one day soon.

An elegant night at Judy's!

| at 10:09 AM

So, a ton of time has passed. Apologies! I'm a procrastinator and busy and blah blah blah. The goal here is to post a couple today to get us up to date on my wine-o journey. So pop a cork, pour something burgundy into a cup, and enjoy.

This next review comes from a get together at Judy's house oh, about a month ago. Give or take a week. It was a Friday night, and Amanda and I went to Judy's to watch the best movie of all time:

Pride and Prejudice. "You have bewitched me body and soul and I love, I love, I love you." This is the phrasing my as-of-yet-undetermined fiance will have to use when he proposes. That and "completely and incandescently". He can choose the order.

It turned out that Judy had already seen it with Richard some time in the past, but that didn't stop us from enjoying every 19th century romantically tense moment of it. Once Judy gripped the chair and mimicked Mr. Darcy, her husband Richard quickly got out of there and left us to our giggles. It really was a blast.

Our refreshments:

homemade popcorn and a bottle of Judy's wine! (Of course, wine has to be involved here people)

Judy had Amanda and I choose the wine, which meant a trip to their basement to explore. I don't think Judy realized that Amanda and I had no idea where we were going...but we eventually found a huge selection tucked in a corner. I bow to your wine stash, Judy. The thing was, half these bottles CREEPED ME OUT. I don't know what it is with the brand, but their marketing spin must be to scare the piss out of you so you have room in your bladder to drink the whole bottle. Let me show you what I mean.

I mean, seriously. What IS that thing? I wasn't about to pop the cork on that, much less drink its evil elixir. In my eyes, the risk was too great. It's like those kids who find Jumanji on the beach shore at the very end of the movie, or that dude from Paranormal Activity who won't just leave the spirit ALONE. Someone's gonna end up turning into a monkey or get a cap put in their ass by their demon-possessed fiance if they open this bottle of wine. It's just a given.

There was another bottle that was an almost for us, because the chick on the "cover" seemed pretty killer.

I think I just wasn't sure on the flavor, since Amanda is not a wine-o like me. Instead, we picked a much safer bottle all around - Blue Sky Concord. I figured it would taste like communion, a flavor that holds fond memories for Amanda. Who doesn't like grapes?

I wasn't familiar with the label, and honestly I don't remember where Judy said she got it. My extensive research (which consisted of typing "Blue Sky Wine" in Google) says the company is based in Illinois. This weekend they're having a Reds, Whites, and Blues Jazz event at their vineyard - ummm sorry I didn't tell you in time. :) You could make it if you left right now, maybe, but who would want to stop in the middle of Heidi's blog entry for anything short of a stroke or an episode of Clarissa Explains It All? And Melissa Joan Hart, you didn't explain it all. I've been waiting for an explanation regarding your decision to take on Sabrina the Teenage Witch since 1996.

The wine was of course delicious. It's definitely a dessert wine, with a thick sweet taste that lingers in your mouth minutes after you swallow. It has a bit of a tinny aftertaste, which is pretty common with most wine I think, but the whole experience far outweighs that one downfall. It has a seductive red/purple color - yes, I think color connotes emotion - and it actually went wonderfully with our popcorn. I think it would go well with most anything. If you're not sure about wine, I'd definitely choose a concord to begin. You can buy this specific concord online for about $10.

I also like that the bottles are blue and the cork and glasses are branded. They make for good collector's pieces, and display well. And I just sounded totally Martha Stewart, didn't I? I guess I own it.

As a side note, there are biblical reasons why we drink wine at communion, although I think the choosing of Concord is more preference than biblically backed. The Bible tells us that God made wine to be used in the celebration of the gifts he has given us - it is mentioned in most every feast mentioned in the Bible, is what Jesus turned the water into, is taken away as punishment in the Bible, and so on. The wine resembles Christ's blood, the nature of wine's elements give the beverage power (just as there is power in the blood), and wine "gladdens the hearts of man". It isn't just an excuse for Pastor's to hiccup in their robe closets. I've always grown up in churches that use grape juice instead of wine, and I wondered about that. From what i can tell, it really was a trend between the early 1980's to just recently for churches to switch to juice. (Again, this is not a scholarly discovery here people - Google is my friend).) Just some interesting "didja knows" for the road.

So, the Concord gets a thumbs up for sure. Reasonably priced, super sweet flavor, goes great with historical romantic movies and good times with good friends. Let me know what you think if you try a Concord - and if you buy the Blue Sky demon-child Mysterioso, please do not bring it over!

A floaty night with me and my vine experiment.

| at 9:53 PM

Yep. That's a bottle of Oak Leaf that's nearly gone. And that is my hand happily holding it.

This bottle was a total win. The price was under 3 bucks and the buzz was over three hours long. The flavor was very fruity and clung to your tongue with every swallow. I didn't pair this with anything but Law & Order SVU and Facebook, but it didn't need a companion to rock my socks off.

See what I mean? Cafe World is so much cooler when you can't quite make the screen focus.

Oak Leaf is a very small label, exclusively distributed and sold at WalMart locations. There are four types of wine under this label - one for each season. To me, that is complete bull. Beer makes sense to me. When it's cold, you want something fuller and heartier to warm you to your toes. In the summer, something thinner and lighter on the tongue is just the refreshing beverage needed to cool you down. But wine? I have never tasted a wine that doesn't take over your palette the minute you drink it. I don't know yet WHY that happens, but we all know it does. So Oak Leaf, I doubt there is one wine that is more refreshing than another. I reject your seasonal marketing campaign! (But I do NOT reject your wine. That can be shipped to me once a week in a Walmart plastic bag, please and thank you.)

I realize as I write this that some will not find the drunkability of a wine to be a critique-able category. Well, I reject that too. So there.

This is fun. If I disagree with an argument, I just reject it. I should start employing this strategy at the bank. "You want me to retake that training? As much as I'd like to, I'm going to have to reject that request. Anything else?" Hmm-nope. I think the blanket reject button can only be used on my blog. Heidi needs money to fund her wine hobby.

As I was saying, I absolutely think the drunk factor is a category to be considered when reviewing a wine. It's all alcohol folks. Chug a bottle of anything and you'll probably feel weird afterwards. But through my 26 years, I've had me all kinds of hangovers. Some alcohols are relentless. They put their hand up your shirt at night and mock you in the morning. Oak Leaf is a much kinder drinking partner. He's enjoyable with every sip, then very pleasantly numbs your fingers and toes and turns the giggle switch on in your brain. Next thing you know, you're speaking like Yoda and staring at the moles on your arm. In the morning you just have this haze in your peripheral vision and a tinny taste in your mouth. It's more a "oh yeah, that happened" then a "now it's my turn to drive" kind of wine.

Exhibit A. I thought that picture was perfect when I took it. I now realize I was sitting on the floor making a kissy face to my wine at 1 in the morning. This is the kind of picture you smile at afterwards. There are some wines that leave you with pictures the next morning you want to burn. OR pictures of your friends you will keep in your safe deposit box for eternity in case you're ever on the outs and need the ultimate blackmail.

Wait. Is that just me? It's a good thing my friends don't read this.

Summary: Buy it, chug it, and buy it again. It's an absolute night-maker.

Not a good day.

| at 7:07 PM

We all have them. I seem to have forgotten how to have a good one! I have caught myself prowling around the house like a gremlin on more than one occasion. You know it's bad when your cat rubs against your leg and you feel an urge to kick him across the room for daring to touch you.

I'm not usually sadistic.

Today/night was so out-of-this-world crumby that I actually ended up finding it funny. Work was, well, work. I joined the parental units for Chinese and then Dad and I went to Wally World for some retail therapy. It really bothers me that Walmart is changing when so much else in my world is changing too. What is this world coming to when your basic small-business-crippling behemoth puts the cat litter where the baby diapers should be? It just isn't right.

So, I come home in the rain and try to get all my goodies inside in one trip. I make it up the stairs but drop the 24 pack of Liquid Cocaine...I mean Diet Coke...on my foot when I try to open the door. Somehow in the scuffle with my entryway I ended up soccer-ball kicking my chip dip off the porch, down my stairs, off the sidewalk, and into a puddle.

I left it there.

I then opened the fridge to toss the pop in the bottom and freaked out b/c there was black goopy crap all over the bottom. I don't know about you, but there is nothing ickier than goop in your fridge. Chilled spoodge is still spoodge, ya know? It turns out I had some mushrooms hiding that were so far gone that they liquified and worked their way THROUGH THE PLASTIC and down the back wall of my fridge. I almost lost my cookies.

When I went for a rag I knocked the drip tray from my Foreman over and got the EVEN MORE disgusting fat all over my counter and the front of my cabinet. I cleaned up the ick (in both places), and when I threw the paper towel away I remembered to feed the fish. When I went to do that, I found that one of my fishies didn't make it through the night. I really think my apartment disgusted him so much that he opted for the fast track to Guppy Heaven and held his breath. So I had to deal with all that.

That was entirely too much ick to have in my house over night, so I took the trash outside....and realized THEN that my lid blew off in the Tsunami today and my huge trash can was half full of water. At that point, I just decided to forget it all. My dry groceries are still on the counter, and all the other chores I told myself I would do all day long are still waiting to be done, as of yet undid.

It is a work night, so I couldn't dapple in my wine pastime tonight. The alternative healing device I employed when wining myself into oblivion proved not to be an option? Dark Chocolate Mouse and Coke Zero.

Life is good.

See? I'm not timely. [Alternate Title] The journey begins.

| at 4:17 PM

A month has passed. Though this blog has sat stagnant, my life and my wine journey has not. I've settled into my new place in Plymouth and am eyeball-deep in various forms of education. The MBA is progressing, I just passed my Life Insurance exam and am now merging onto the Series 6/63 interstate, and we are approx. 45% of the way through conversion at my place of employment.

Time to drink finds its way into my schedule. Writing about it is another story.

My first wine purchases of this great adventure were made at the most elegant liquor shop in the world: Walmart. This is what I bought.

For those of you who aren't alcoholics and know every bottle of wine by sight, I'll explain a bit about these wines now. The first wine is a 2008 White Zinfandel that is part of the Beringer California Collection. I bought this wine because I've never tried a wine that color that I did not like. I thought it would be a good place to start. Beringer is based in the Napa Valley and has been around since 1876. Their site is pretty informative, albeit a bit hoity toity. Check it out.

The second wine is a 2010 bottle of Oak Leaf Shiraz. This bottle cost me $2.97 and was worth every penny. I enjoyed the entire bottle myself last night, and it made for a very pleasant floaty evening full of Facebook and Law & Order SVU. The company's site is down right now, but they are sold almost exclusively at WalMart and provide four wines currently - one for each season. Who knew? I thought only beer was seasonal, while wine was categorized by food pairings. This is why we're here folks.

The last bottle is a Lucky Duck Shiraz from 2009. I wasn't able to find a website for them just now, but will dig deeper when I "feature" this one. I do know it hales from Southeast Australia. The package says "Lucky You" - we shall see.

I tried the Beringer with my friend Lynn about three weeks ago. We are so not classy. For one, we could not figure out how to maneuver the de-corker. Is that even called a decorker? This is the site I went to to figure it out...afterwards. This is how it turned out for us.

We just kept pushing the screw into the cork. The concept of turning the screw completely flew over our heads. Maybe we thought you screwed afterwards? Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you: always screw first.

At least the cork remained in tact while it took a nice swim in the wine. I haven't drank a lot of wine, but I don't think it's a good thing for it to be chewy.

I really enjoyed this wine, while Lynn gave it an "Okay". We didn't eat anything with it and had just about two glasses a piece. We drank it in a standard wine glass, which is my word for the ones you can buy for about a dollar at, you guessed it, Walmart. This is not the right way to choose your wine glass. Don't get me wrong, if all you're working with is a Solo Cup, drink boldly my friend! But if you have a choice, the shape and style of your glass truly can impact the experience.

The shape of the glass can determine what part of the tongue is first hit when you take a drink, how intense the aroma is, how flat your champagne ends up being, and so on. I'm not that great at APA citation, but here is a site that I thought broke things down understandably.

Some experts say your glass should be clear so that you can view the wine without obstruction. While wine is beautiful and fun to look at swirling around as you drink more of it, I don't really feel this is a necessity. A colored wine glass is fine, so long as the glass itself is relatively thin. Your wine glass should always have a big butt in proportion to the rest of the body (a Margarita glass would just be silly). The shape of the glass and whether or not the glass has a lip on it directs where the wine hits your mouth. A taller glass throws the wine to the back of the mouth (good for very sweet wines like your reds or dessert wines) and shorter glasses bring the wine to the front of your mouth (which is good for wine with subtle tastes that need help in the sweet department). As far as the stem is concerned, I think it really comes down to preference. There's a trend now for the tumbler wine glass, which I think was created by someone who kept breaking the stem off their wife's fine dinnerware. My main complaint with that is that I like my wine cold and you can smudge the glass up which makes it less pretty. But if you're a fast drinker or the drink is sitting on a table and not in the palm of your hand at a party, you should be good with a stemless option.

Oh, and don't fill your glass more than halfway full (or the widest part of the glass)! For one thing, it's essential to one's image at a party to swirl their wine around. If the glass is too full, you'll spill and if I'm around I'll point and laugh. More importantly, you have to keep space in the glass for the aroma. The way your nose feels when you take a drink of wine is just as important as the way your mouth feels. Unless you're just trying to get trashed.

All in all, I'd say the Beringer bottle was decent. I would drink it with most anything (I'm not quite ready to worry about food parings). Since it doesn't cost very much at all (less than $5), it would be a great wine to keep in stock for the every day meal or movie, but might be seen as a diss if you gave it as a gift.

Try it out and let me know what you think!